365 days have now passed.......

And what can I say except WOW!! Time passes quickly. It still feels like everything has stopped and stood still yet the calender tells me something different. Where does 1 year go??
Alot happens in a year.We've been through all the seasons. Sometimes I took note of what was going on around me and other times I didn't.Right now I feel comfort in the cold winter. Only because it feels familiar and at what place I was at last year when my world stopped for soooo long.
Back in the Christmas of 2002 I gave you a book. Sheila was with me when I bought it and knew even then of how much you ment to me. And now she keeps reminding me of how very lucky I am to have this great book from you. You gave it back to me the following Christmas all filled out. A book of your childhood and other memories just for me! Sometimes the stories have made me sad and sometimes I laugh with you. But mostly I am happy that you took the time to tell me your life stories.When I bought it I never realized how much of an impact it would have on my life later. See the thing is------I know we never told eachother the words " I love you " but because of the things we have from eachother we always knew it. You have always held my entire heart in your hands. Always have---Always will. It's time for me to share parts of us with others.

I am so very lucky daddy to have many friends and the best of friends. I have needed them many times over the past year. To cry with and laugh. But more important to tell them stories about us so they could know who you were and how you were such a huge part of my life. If I still believe what you have taught me ( and there are many days of doubt ) then I know you have seen them with me and how happy I am when they are around. Sheila, Bryan, Michelle, Anne, Sara, Tannis, Lorna, Jocelyne and Carol have all been there when I needed them. They are SUPER!!!

My heart feels empty and hurt. I have questions. Many of them.I know the answers and yet I doubt myself. Constantly wondering the all time favorite of why. Why me? Why now? Why you? Whydo I feel the need to go home? Why do people tell me how much I look like you? Why did they not see it before now? Why are there sooo many rainbows in the sky when I am sad? Why did I buy a stone sculpture for your memory garden and not some sort of flower?? Why?? Why?? Why??

I did have a great chat with a Native American during a shift at work. Everything I knew from you and about us made sense to all my questions. But for some reason..I could not see thigns right in front of me. The answers were right there---deep in my soul. Stones mean peace and faith. The Natives have stones on their pipes. On both ends actually and when they are having spiritual rituals they hold both ends of the pipe to bring faith and peace together. He also told me that the day I bought your sculpture I must have been connected to you but wasn't seeing it right in front of me. I asked myself the why again?? Why did it stand out to me? Why did I think of the camp?? Why did I see the rocks in the flowing river and the pictures of rock waterfalls I used to draw while sitting on the bank of the lake.?? It was you guiding me again. MAking me remember the good times and not dwell in the sad of right now in front of me. The day I place the stone in your memory garden should be the day that that I have peace with my life and the life I shared with you. bringing us together again. I knew this----------

I kept talking to him about the camp. The place that we always went to to be together and in the quiet of nature. I explained in detail to him what and where it was. No power...no running water..just quiet. Just us and the sounds of what was around us and how it means so much to me. The fondest of happy memories for me as a kid. But when I am not home in Nova Scotia I need to find a place here. A place for me to go to like we would the camp. Even if it is not a building by the lake. Or even far away. It can just be a single tree in my back yard but keep it for a specail place. If I need 5 minutes sitting by the tree or an hour.....just go there when I need to think and talk to you. He helped me a lot that night. Telling me that all the choices I have made have guided me. Without even really knowing it. I am closer to you that I realize. In time and as my heart heals from the hurt it should shine through and guide me to what I believe deep down in my soul. This past summer we took mom to the Swan Lake pow wow and as soon as I heard the drums and the men singing as some danced I cried. You and I were right there. It was so powerful. I wish I knew some of the meanings behind the songs music they play but for that day I was happy to have shared it with you. You would have been sitting in the front row with me. This I know for sure. I want to learn more about their culture. It seems that we have alot of things in common.I am also glad I was wearing sunglasses that day so no one could see my watery eyes.

I hope you have found your family. If everything is true-------then you are with them. Tell grandpa that last year when I was taking some courses that I actually learned something!! He would ask me everyday as I got off the school bus if I learned anything that day. My answer was always no. You can tell him now that Yes I did!!!You and your brother must have alot to catch up on. You had been apart for a few years. And you and Uncle Ron ( as I called him...and Humphrey to everyone else ) must be together now. I know how much you have missed him. You wrote to me about it in my book.For the last few nights there has been a cresent moon in the sky with a blanket of stars. With tears in my eyes and a smile on my face----I picture you and Uncle Ron sitting on the moon with your leggs swinging over the edge and your laughing and joking.Just having a great time.

As hard as this past year has been for me I have found some peace with the way you left my world to the one you are in now. And without sounding cold-hearted I am glad we had a great talk on the phone the day you died. No matter how short it was. I am glad you lived your life your way right to the end. Enjoying all kinds of different foods and not being sick in the hospital. You've missed alot this passed year and yet you haven't/ Does that make sense?? I still think you have the best view and were with me on good days and bad. Always and Forever.

daddy.........i love you. you are my hero and my guardian angel.till we see each other again........love tan xoxoxo